The good news that is throughout North America, divorce rates are in decline, particularly amongst younger generations. The bad news is that people still get divorced very frequently and they always will, raving the lives of grown men and women and the children they have. And because this is now an accepted fact and Hallmark will make a card for any occasion, condolence or celebration, we actually give gifts for men and women going through divorces.
Most of them are to be taken lightly, rife with cheeky jokes that will make the wounded party at least smile a little, despite the fact that they’re going through one of the most damaging experiences of their lives.
North America, like it or not, has always had a bit of a dark sense of humour. For every Garfield or Family Circus cartoon, there’s an Arrested Development or a similar cringe comedy for us to revel in the pain of others. As a result, there’s a huge online market for novelty gifts one can give to make note of that special day when the alimony is agreed upon.
Here are some of the best divorce gifts for him that he will appreciate:
1. A Literal Small Empire of Smug Coffee Mugs
Mugs are practical divorce gifts for him. Simply pick the slogan you feel will at least get a smile out of the guy. There’s everything from the blunt “Divorced AF” to more complex, clever lines. A personal favourite is a mug reading “Filled With The Tears of My Ex”, clearly for the bitterest of divorcees.
Beyond that, there’s “King of Whatever’s Left”, “Happy Divorce” and “Congrats on Your Divorce, We Hated Her.” Nothing says, “I’m doing fine” like taking pride in a cruel joke about one you used to love.
2. Go Full O.J. With a Set of Knives
While these aren’t specifically for divorce, Amazon does offer a 6-set of ceramic knives with the kind of lovely landscape paintings covering the blades. They claim to be for any celebration or holiday occasion, but they’re conspicuously linked to the aforementioned coffee mugs. Beautifully crafted with a non-stick coating, one can imagine those with the darkest sense of humour finding the charm in receiving a set of these after signing the papers and slipping them back in the manilla envelope.
Of course, you must ensure the guy is mentally stable before you purchase these. Otherwise, you may as well throw in a white Ford Bronco and a pair of Bruno Martens.
North Americans will advertise practically anything on T-Shirts, pins or coffee mugs. And the best of the bunch here appears to be “What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger. Except Bears. Bears Will Kill You.” While it doesn’t specifically refer to divorce, it is listed right alongside a dozen or so others that do. Pins are the coward’s way of advertising, especially mini-pins like this one, which requires the reader to squint and lean in before getting the joke.
Finally, a man’s way of telling a joke. Loud, obnoxious and there for all to see. This is the barbed wire tatoo of divorce jokes. Most of the slogans don’t differ much from that of coffee mugs or pins, but they’re expressed with obnoxiously drawn cartoons of grinning, dumb males. Wear them proudly.
5. Greeting Cards
There are a variety of greeting cards with the same sort of humour as the other items on this list, but like a condolence card after the loss of a loved one, there are a few that appear genuinely sincere. These are best used for when your friend or loved one is genuinely in pain and maybe needs a few kind words. Of course, a personal heart-to-heart might do a world of good, but for those who are of few words, let Hallmark do the job.
6. Tote Bags
These divorce gifts for him come for both men and women, with a New Yorker-esque cartoon that’s actually more witty than other items on this list. Presumably, whoever receives this is really into the enviroment while also intending to go on a post-divorce spending spree. For men, one can imagine such bags loaded with bottles that clink together while he walks.
One wonders who would use a divorce sticker, but if that friend of yours who has fallen on hard times feels like breaking out the old guitar again, strumming on it like he used to before his significant other made him stop procrastinating and get a real job, these are pretty perfect for that ratty old guitar case. One can assume some of these are intended to be humourous bumper stickers. Should you happen across a car in traffic with one or more, it’s best to avoid said car as much as possible.
Some of them, like “I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving” seems directed toward NRA and militia members. Everyone needs cheering up, one assumes.